Online Dating

A tip from me to you: the following words and phrases should NOT be used when online dating. These are above and beyond spelling errors and shirtless guys in their alleged photos (most of whom should have kept their shirts on). These words and phrases have been offered to me - and the world at-large - on a lovely silver platter and they immediately make me think, “No thanks.”

Alpha Male
Fetish
Prideful
“my grandchildren” (I’m not yet 40, is what I’m getting at)
“spend lots of time playing video games”
Lover (I just hate that word)
“can drink 1 ½ times my weight” (I hope that was a joke)
“Many women find me attractive.” (Oh, REALLY??)
“a member of the KISS Army”
Yankees fan (move along, pal)
“My cat thinks I’m purrrfect.” (and I think you’re gay)
No Baggage (yeah, buddy…me either)
No Drama (ditto)
Experienced (what the hell does THAT mean?) (Ohhhhh. Yeah, probably)

Man Overboard

Our offices were renovated, and we were displaced for some months last year (like a little asbestos is gonna kill ya...) and have been back here since mid-April. I moved right back to where I was before, in a little cluster of three cubicles. My other two cube-mates moved down a floor, and I'm rather isolated now. A lot of foot-traffic by my desk, but no one sitting on either side of me. Random work/study students use the desks now and again, but that's it. Lo and behold: a part-time guy shows up yesterday, and he’ll be here a couple of days a week. I'm not entirely sure what his job is - he doesn't work in my division - but he's quite the interesting fellow. I'm going to bet he's in his early 60s. First of all, he sat over there from about 1pm onward until I left...and didn't say a word. The woman who was showing him the ropes got him to talk a little, but not a lot. Primary reason: he doesn't seem to speak a lot of english. Going geographically by accent, I’ll call him Boris. I'm not even going to try to spell the last name. The most interesting part about him: the cologne. Good lord, he smells like...well, like I think those guys from “A Night at the Roxbury” must smell. He smells like a high school kid who just figured out what Axe Body Spray is. Over. The. Top. AND I'm pretty sure he freshened it up a bit some time during the late afternoon. Ewww. This morning: he’s back! As strong as ever.