Tolstoy: Hegel, I’ve waited so long for this chat. May I call you Georg?
Hegel: Are you my wife?
Tolstoy: Not last I checked.
Hegel: Then…no, Tolstoy. Please don’t.
Tolstoy: Can I get you anything? A cup of tea…a glass of water?
Hegel: I’m dead.
Tolstoy: Right! Me too. We just seem so real!
Hegel: I’m sure some academics would say that we’re just as vital today as we were when we were alive.
Tolstoy: Do you find it strange that we’re speaking English when I speak Russian and you speak German?
Hegel: You think that’s strange…I died when you were three years old!
Tolstoy: I can’t even begin to wrap my head around that…but perhaps I’ll incorporate it into a novel soon. So. You know why I’ve called you here?
Hegel: Yes. Those little worship figures from ancient Mesopotamia…around 2500 BC, yes?
Tolstoy: Yes. Aren’t they wonderful? By the way, they say BCE now. Before the Common Era rather than Before Christ.
Hegel: Christ.
Tolstoy: I know.
Hegel: Well, before I agree that they’re “wonderful,” as you put it, let’s go with what we know. I understand that these figures were intended as prayer statues, to stand-in, perhaps, for human worshippers for the gods?
Tolstoy: That’s what we believe to be true, yes. Do you not see that the artist meant to convey to you the awe of the beholder as they gaze upon a god?
Hegel: Please. Spare me your yawn theory.
Tolstoy: (yawns)
Hegel: (yawns) Stop it!
Tolstoy: Just making my point that art is infectious. My yawn spawns your yawn – it’s the same thing.
Hegel: It is certainly not the same thing. A physical reaction like a yawn could simply indicate that you need to open a window. But I digress…we’re not here to argue about oxygen, are we?
Tolstoy: No, we’re not. I’m just saying that the emotions of the artist to the audience are tantamount to understanding and appreciating art – even these fellows.
Hegel: Oh. These are considered “art,” are they?
Tolstoy: Ah. I suppose now you’re going to tell me that “fine” art is the only art worthy of admiration?
Hegel: No, no – not at all. I think that philosophers like us have taken the idea of art philosophy and heightened it to a place higher than the art itself.
Tolstoy: How so?
Hegel: I believe I once said, in my Introduction to Aesthetics, that ‘…the philosophy of art is … a greater need in our day than it was in days when art by itself as art yielded full satisfaction’ (147).
Tolstoy: Meaning what?
Hegel: Meaning that the artist who created these creatures was in his time and we are in ours. Don’t think so hard. Look here: was the object necessary?
Tolstoy: Oh, I see! You’re saying that the artist wasn’t necessarily creating art for appreciation as an artwork, but because the statue had an intended purpose.
Hegel: Now you’re talking.
Tolstoy: Enlighten me some more.
Hegel: Try this on for size: ‘The beauty of art is beauty born of the spirit and born again, and the higher the spirit and its productions stand above nature and its phenomena, the higher too is the beauty of art above that of nature’ (136).
Tolstoy: That’s very ancient Egyptian of you, “Born of the spirit and born again.” Lah dee dah.
Hegel: Perhaps. An alleged Christian such as you should have plenty to say about multiple deities.
Tolstoy: Don’t get me started.
Hegel: I’m honestly trying to point out that you have overstepped your bounds with your theories of art and art appreciation. You’re a writer.
Tolstoy: What of it?
Hegel: I read some of your aesthetic criticism – if one can call it that – on my way here. In On Art, you say that an artist, “…must be able to express the new subject so that all may understand it. For this he must have such mastery of his craft that when working he will think as little about the rules of that craft as a man when walking thinks of the laws of motion” (175). Honestly. A simile?
Tolstoy: What’s wrong with what I said? I stand by those remarks.
Hegel: You’re simply tooting your own horn by lauding the artist. You are an artist. You’re too close to art to be able to critique it. Look at your ending salvo: “…a true work of art is the revelation (by laws beyond our grasp) of a new conception of life arising in the artist’s soul…” (176). Talk about appreciation of the ancient Egyptians – that’s certainly a summoning of the gods above to prove the greatness of the artist.
Tolstoy: Hey, we were going to talk about these prayer statues!
Hegel: Impossible. There’s no budging you. I could give my opinion all day, and you’d continue back to your point that the artist is the be-all, end-all. I’m more than happy to go back to…wherever it was you summoned me from.
Tolstoy: If you insist.
Hegel: Before I go…do you concur that you’re in no position to judge art?
Tolstoy: Absolutely not. I have opinions about a variety of subjects: literature, politics, religion. I’ll make my case against anyone, even you, Hegel.
Hegel: Yes, but will you win?
Tolstoy: It’s not about winning, it’s about expressing myself.
Hegel: Exactly. You, the artist - and your opinion that must be conveyed to the world. I just don’t buy it. Sorry.
Tolstoy: Let’s do this again some time.
Hegel: Let’s not.
Tolstoy: (yawns)
Hegel: (yawns) Stop it!
