Yes, this movie was made in 2006 and I'm just now getting around to a review. I pity the fool who saw it first-run. A co-worker handed this to me (i.e., they own it) last week and said how HILARIOUS the movie is and how much "the best friend" reminded them of me. Lovely compliment - the best friend is one of the few good parts of the movie. I'm 3 years behind with this easy joke, but: Failure to Launch did not fail to make ME launch.
I still can’t figure out if Sarah Jessica Parker is actually attractive or has some kind of mind-bending device that makes the world believe she is (a general comment not having to do with the movie in particular)
For the most part, McConaghey keeps his shirt on. Big mistake.
You know who DOES take his shirt off? For an entire scene?? Terry Bradshaw. Oh, and not just his shirt.
The DVD has no outtake/gag reel. That would have needed a separate stand-alone six-disc bonus materials special feature release.
Hollywood, listen to me: Zooey Deschanel is underused talent.
I don’t get the dead former girlfriend / “nephew” plot line, unless you need to have an adorable child in your movie, which you don’t.
The animals biting him and that being a metaphor for living your life…what???
The life preserver metaphor at the end??
Suddenly it’s the mom who wants to fix everything? Oh, and this is my surprised face to learn that it’s HER issues that make her keep her son at home @ 35. Crimeny.
Locking them in, in order to repair the damage? Extreme.
He FORGIVES her? Not only that, he forgives his PARENTS??
Oh, for god’s sake.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Quarantine
I hear tell that old folks and idiots are caught up into e-mail viruses all day, every day. I mean, honestly! What makes someone, legitimately with interest, click on any of this stuff? If you want to surf for porn, you go on and surf for porn, but clearly if THEY’RE e-mailing YOU, somethin’ ain’t right. Behold, some recent gems from the Spam Filter, porn-ish and otherwise (these are as-is and none have been made up by me):
From now you don't need a crane to lift your instrument up.
Woman with artificial butt
She wont need a magnifying glass from now to find your instrument.
From now you will be able to please any size-queen.
Your little friend is begging you to take a blue pill.
You must be The Real Man with huge dignity
Have your own decent hair effectively grown.
…and my personal favorites:
Were you drunk? Answer, bastard! (really, this was spam and not from someone I know)
Stop ruining yourself (my mom doesn't know how to use her e-mail)
I Am McLovin! (that's just plain pop culture funny)
From now you don't need a crane to lift your instrument up.
Woman with artificial butt
She wont need a magnifying glass from now to find your instrument.
From now you will be able to please any size-queen.
Your little friend is begging you to take a blue pill.
You must be The Real Man with huge dignity
Have your own decent hair effectively grown.
…and my personal favorites:
Were you drunk? Answer, bastard! (really, this was spam and not from someone I know)
Stop ruining yourself (my mom doesn't know how to use her e-mail)
I Am McLovin! (that's just plain pop culture funny)
Friday, May 22, 2009
Irrational Fears
In no particular order. One of these is not irrational.*
Mimes
Clowns
Snakes
Spiders
Doctors
Sleestaks
Drowning
Santa Claus
Costumed Mascots
Having your feet touched
Being run over while crossing the street Frogger-style
(*no, really…just one)
Mimes
Clowns
Snakes
Spiders
Doctors
Sleestaks
Drowning
Santa Claus
Costumed Mascots
Having your feet touched
Being run over while crossing the street Frogger-style
(*no, really…just one)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Abuse
Any good therapist would say: step away from men who abuse you. So I ask myself: why do I keep watching the Atlanta Braves?
Excuse List (let’s see how well I answer myself)
1. I made them do it. (FALSE: I don’t have that kind of power.)
2. I like to be hit/cat-called. (FALSE: I cry easily)
3. They’re only going to do to me what I allow them to do. (TRUE)
4. Why would I watch/go to games if they’re going to treat me like that? (Is that answerable?)
5. If I want to hit like a man, I ought to be hit like a man. (Wow. Can’t make this one funny.)
6. I must have done something to deserve it. (PLAUSIBLE)
7. I disrespected them. (TRUE…but they disrespected me first.) (Nyah nyah-nyah nyah nyahhhhh)
8. Some women know how to push their buttons, and so they “just snap.” (Again, don’t have that kind of power.)
9. Why would I wear revealing clothes if I didn't want negative attention? (Quit lookin’ at me, Matt Diaz.)
10. Some women think you don't love them if you don't hit them. (COMPROMISE: hit FOR me, not AT me)
I know nothing of the misery of, say, Chicago Cubs fans, so I should shut my yap right now. But. A 12-0 loss to the Diamondbacks last Saturday and I sat through every last second. Really. Then Jekyll & Hyde sets in: great win Sunday, great loss Monday, great win Tuesday…we’ll see what happens tonight. Bottom line: I love ‘em. Baseball is a ton of fun, and I enjoy rooting for the home team. I’m going to keep going back, no matter how much they hurt me.
Excuse List (let’s see how well I answer myself)
1. I made them do it. (FALSE: I don’t have that kind of power.)
2. I like to be hit/cat-called. (FALSE: I cry easily)
3. They’re only going to do to me what I allow them to do. (TRUE)
4. Why would I watch/go to games if they’re going to treat me like that? (Is that answerable?)
5. If I want to hit like a man, I ought to be hit like a man. (Wow. Can’t make this one funny.)
6. I must have done something to deserve it. (PLAUSIBLE)
7. I disrespected them. (TRUE…but they disrespected me first.) (Nyah nyah-nyah nyah nyahhhhh)
8. Some women know how to push their buttons, and so they “just snap.” (Again, don’t have that kind of power.)
9. Why would I wear revealing clothes if I didn't want negative attention? (Quit lookin’ at me, Matt Diaz.)
10. Some women think you don't love them if you don't hit them. (COMPROMISE: hit FOR me, not AT me)
I know nothing of the misery of, say, Chicago Cubs fans, so I should shut my yap right now. But. A 12-0 loss to the Diamondbacks last Saturday and I sat through every last second. Really. Then Jekyll & Hyde sets in: great win Sunday, great loss Monday, great win Tuesday…we’ll see what happens tonight. Bottom line: I love ‘em. Baseball is a ton of fun, and I enjoy rooting for the home team. I’m going to keep going back, no matter how much they hurt me.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Superciliousness
I am in a constant quest of karma cleansing, as I think bad things about others. A lot. I’m on the slow boat to hell even if purgatory exists and I get a free pass there instead of Gehenna itself. I don’t have enough friends to pray me out. Ever.
That said, here comes the latest spew of venom. I’ve had just about enough of supercilious jerkwads who think they’re better than everyone else. Sure, I have specific jerkwads in mind, but let me be general:
You work on the top floor of your building and your gigantic windows afford you a sweet view. You live in a great neighborhood and someone else mows your lawn and prunes your hedges. You drive an awesome car and have a hottie wife. Your children were raised by the hired help and all went to Ivy League schools, even though probably you had to pay their way both in and through.
I’m pretty sure you were a jerkwad even as a kid, but your mama told you how awesome you were and that she loved you no matter what anyone said, so it didn’t matter that you were fat or short or stole lunch money from the other kids or kicked sand on weaklings or made fun of poindexters or cheated on your prom date. Your mama still loves you, god rest her soul, and you’re a gift from on high to us all, lest we forget.
I pray for and await your downfall.
That said, here comes the latest spew of venom. I’ve had just about enough of supercilious jerkwads who think they’re better than everyone else. Sure, I have specific jerkwads in mind, but let me be general:
You work on the top floor of your building and your gigantic windows afford you a sweet view. You live in a great neighborhood and someone else mows your lawn and prunes your hedges. You drive an awesome car and have a hottie wife. Your children were raised by the hired help and all went to Ivy League schools, even though probably you had to pay their way both in and through.
I’m pretty sure you were a jerkwad even as a kid, but your mama told you how awesome you were and that she loved you no matter what anyone said, so it didn’t matter that you were fat or short or stole lunch money from the other kids or kicked sand on weaklings or made fun of poindexters or cheated on your prom date. Your mama still loves you, god rest her soul, and you’re a gift from on high to us all, lest we forget.
I pray for and await your downfall.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Staff Fest
I don’t feel like being appreciated today.
It’s Staff Fest at my place of employment. Once a year, all 23,500-odd employees are invited to the quadrangle for a few hours of appreciation.
In years past, we were encouraged to wear shorts & t-shirts, have free lunch & free ice cream, play volleyball, climb a rock wall, moon bounce, do the electric slide or ride the bucking bronc if we were so inclined.
In my head, that translates to: are you freaking kidding me? It’s 85 degrees outside and you want me to stand in line and show my ID to get your dumb plate of corn & bean salad, barbeque sandwich and dumb Coke and by the time I’m done eating, the ice cream ran out?
I’ve been here for nearly 13 years and I’m telling you it’s the same every year. Every year about 11:30am my co-workers come by wondering why I’m not going and why they can’t convince me to. Every year I tell them I wouldn’t go if you paid me…and oh, wait, you ARE paying me to sit at my desk and do the good work of the University.
Sure, it’s nice to see the President and all the other execs sloughing out food like workers at the local soup kitchen. It’s amusing to see your co-workers begin crispy sunburns for the weekend. It’s hilarious to watch the largest man you’ve ever seen re-creating his glory days at Studio 54…but I have YouTube for that now.
This year, we aren’t even being fed. I think we get ice cream, but like I said, it runs out quickly and there’s a line. If I want ice cream, I’ll buy my own and eat it in the shade, thankyouverymuch.
I was looking through some old stuff last night – my life during the year 1990, in fact. I found memos from my then-place of business. Our regional manager telling me how mindful I was of the budget and how much he appreciated my cost-savings. Our district manager telling me that my latest memo regarding whatever was well-written and well-received. My direct supervisor telling me…well, you get the picture. If I do something right, tell me. If I do something wrong, tell me that, too. Don’t think once a year is going to cut it, and don’t think that I’m the only one griping. If I hear one more person gripe about work and then follow it up with, “But in this economy I feel lucky just to HAVE a job.” Give me a break. That’s what workers do: gripe about work until we retire, then gripe about how we don’t have medicare, social security or retirement income.
Clearly, I’m employee of the year.
It’s Staff Fest at my place of employment. Once a year, all 23,500-odd employees are invited to the quadrangle for a few hours of appreciation.
In years past, we were encouraged to wear shorts & t-shirts, have free lunch & free ice cream, play volleyball, climb a rock wall, moon bounce, do the electric slide or ride the bucking bronc if we were so inclined.
In my head, that translates to: are you freaking kidding me? It’s 85 degrees outside and you want me to stand in line and show my ID to get your dumb plate of corn & bean salad, barbeque sandwich and dumb Coke and by the time I’m done eating, the ice cream ran out?
I’ve been here for nearly 13 years and I’m telling you it’s the same every year. Every year about 11:30am my co-workers come by wondering why I’m not going and why they can’t convince me to. Every year I tell them I wouldn’t go if you paid me…and oh, wait, you ARE paying me to sit at my desk and do the good work of the University.
Sure, it’s nice to see the President and all the other execs sloughing out food like workers at the local soup kitchen. It’s amusing to see your co-workers begin crispy sunburns for the weekend. It’s hilarious to watch the largest man you’ve ever seen re-creating his glory days at Studio 54…but I have YouTube for that now.
This year, we aren’t even being fed. I think we get ice cream, but like I said, it runs out quickly and there’s a line. If I want ice cream, I’ll buy my own and eat it in the shade, thankyouverymuch.
I was looking through some old stuff last night – my life during the year 1990, in fact. I found memos from my then-place of business. Our regional manager telling me how mindful I was of the budget and how much he appreciated my cost-savings. Our district manager telling me that my latest memo regarding whatever was well-written and well-received. My direct supervisor telling me…well, you get the picture. If I do something right, tell me. If I do something wrong, tell me that, too. Don’t think once a year is going to cut it, and don’t think that I’m the only one griping. If I hear one more person gripe about work and then follow it up with, “But in this economy I feel lucky just to HAVE a job.” Give me a break. That’s what workers do: gripe about work until we retire, then gripe about how we don’t have medicare, social security or retirement income.
Clearly, I’m employee of the year.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Oh, and what about parking?
Lord knows I’m not always the best when it comes to reading comprehension. So this is me, yet again, on a slow boat to hell for mocking others. The following is verbatim e-mail correspondence between me and the executive assistant of a local CEO. Names have been changed, and of course bolding of what floors me:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: [Me]
Sent: Tuesday, May 12, 2009 9:24 AM
To: [Doe, Jane]
Subject: Checking in
Hey, [Jane] – thanks for letting [My Boss] know to keep you in the loop! Speaking of that upcoming meeting, [My Boss] asked me to check in to see if [Mr. CEO] can join us, at least for the morning session. The meeting will begin at 8:30am in the [Campus Location]. I haven’t received the full agenda yet, so the end time for the morning session is a bit up in the air, but as soon as I’ve seen something more definite, I can be back in touch.
Also let me know if I can help find [Mr. CEO] a place to park. Many thanks. –[Me]—
From: Doe, Jane
Sent: Tuesday, May 12, 2009 2:28 PM
To: [Me]
Subject: re: Checking in
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but yes he plans to attend. How long should I book for the morning session? Thanks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the record, it took two additional e-mails on my part to pry out of her that, indeed, her boss needs parking. Shoot me now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: [Me]
Sent: Tuesday, May 12, 2009 9:24 AM
To: [Doe, Jane]
Subject: Checking in
Hey, [Jane] – thanks for letting [My Boss] know to keep you in the loop! Speaking of that upcoming meeting, [My Boss] asked me to check in to see if [Mr. CEO] can join us, at least for the morning session. The meeting will begin at 8:30am in the [Campus Location]. I haven’t received the full agenda yet, so the end time for the morning session is a bit up in the air, but as soon as I’ve seen something more definite, I can be back in touch.
Also let me know if I can help find [Mr. CEO] a place to park. Many thanks. –[Me]—
From: Doe, Jane
Sent: Tuesday, May 12, 2009 2:28 PM
To: [Me]
Subject: re: Checking in
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but yes he plans to attend. How long should I book for the morning session? Thanks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the record, it took two additional e-mails on my part to pry out of her that, indeed, her boss needs parking. Shoot me now.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Star Trek
I admit it, and proudly: I'm a Trekkie.
Many a year ago, I was even seen at conventions. I will also admit, even more proudly: I never dressed up. OK, so maybe I own a phaser and maybe I own a communicator, but I draw the line at hours in the makeup chair unless it's Halloween...and even then, never as a Star Trek character. Seriously, though, if you've never been to a Star Trek convention, they're a must-see. Don't gape, they're all very serious about what they do.
So, the new Star Trek movie. I wasn't hesitant to go, and no love lost for the original...but it was great. Shatner can shove it, bein' all a hater. He's just jealous of the Nimoy.
I'm not here to give away plot or spoilers, but I will say a bit about the alternate reality. Alternate reality was a really nice set-up and lovely device for the director to use to say: I know you all know what happened in the series and in those subsequent movies, but guess what folks? All bets are off. Anyone could die or be injured or have their face burnt off or lose a limb...because what they do in this timeline might affect the future and create a different outcome. OK, I'm down with that. What I'm NOT down with is when Future Character meets Current Character. It's established that young Spock can't know about the existence of old Spock (who's allegedly in a different reality and timeline)...but give them an hour and young Spock finds out. Not only does he find out, but they meet face-to-face and have a little chat. That tilted my whirl just a bit.
That said, five outta five starts from me. Just a lovely job from the whole cast. Including Tyler Perry, who I wasn't expecting, and still don't know what business he had being there. My favorite bit: their nod to the red jersey-ed guy in the landing party you know ain't comin' back. Brilliant.
Many a year ago, I was even seen at conventions. I will also admit, even more proudly: I never dressed up. OK, so maybe I own a phaser and maybe I own a communicator, but I draw the line at hours in the makeup chair unless it's Halloween...and even then, never as a Star Trek character. Seriously, though, if you've never been to a Star Trek convention, they're a must-see. Don't gape, they're all very serious about what they do.
So, the new Star Trek movie. I wasn't hesitant to go, and no love lost for the original...but it was great. Shatner can shove it, bein' all a hater. He's just jealous of the Nimoy.
I'm not here to give away plot or spoilers, but I will say a bit about the alternate reality. Alternate reality was a really nice set-up and lovely device for the director to use to say: I know you all know what happened in the series and in those subsequent movies, but guess what folks? All bets are off. Anyone could die or be injured or have their face burnt off or lose a limb...because what they do in this timeline might affect the future and create a different outcome. OK, I'm down with that. What I'm NOT down with is when Future Character meets Current Character. It's established that young Spock can't know about the existence of old Spock (who's allegedly in a different reality and timeline)...but give them an hour and young Spock finds out. Not only does he find out, but they meet face-to-face and have a little chat. That tilted my whirl just a bit.
That said, five outta five starts from me. Just a lovely job from the whole cast. Including Tyler Perry, who I wasn't expecting, and still don't know what business he had being there. My favorite bit: their nod to the red jersey-ed guy in the landing party you know ain't comin' back. Brilliant.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Pet Peeves
URGENT e-mail message labels
Leaving a message on both e-mail and voicemail. Pick one!
Those who put on makeup while they drive (car in motion)
Airports with poor signage
Kleenex that makes its way into your washer/dryer
Putting half of a sugar packet back in the bowl
Putting empty candy wrapper back in the bowl
Leaving the copier lid up when done
Leaving the paper cutter up when done
The phrase, “A little bit of this, a little bit of that…”
Using an umbrella as a parasol on a sunny day
Motorcyclists who wear a helmet and very little else
Not using turn indicators
Those who stand at the ATM for way too long
Leaving a message on both e-mail and voicemail. Pick one!
Those who put on makeup while they drive (car in motion)
Airports with poor signage
Kleenex that makes its way into your washer/dryer
Putting half of a sugar packet back in the bowl
Putting empty candy wrapper back in the bowl
Leaving the copier lid up when done
Leaving the paper cutter up when done
The phrase, “A little bit of this, a little bit of that…”
Using an umbrella as a parasol on a sunny day
Motorcyclists who wear a helmet and very little else
Not using turn indicators
Those who stand at the ATM for way too long
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I Miss Phil
Phil saw me cry, on probably too many occasions. Phil never asked how I was feeling. Phil didn’t compliment outfits. Phil wasn’t curious about what I did over the weekend. Phil didn’t take into account anyone’s feelings when making a decision. Phil didn’t wear his heart on his sleeve. Phil didn’t make it a point to greet me warmly in the morning and wish me a good evening.
However.
Phil was predictable. Phil didn’t make me read his mind. Phil didn’t rearrange his schedule on a whim at the last minute all day every day. Phil didn’t ask three people to do the same thing. Phil knew how to manage people. Phil used his time wisely. Phil didn’t second-guess himself. Phil didn’t fret. Phil didn’t sweat the small stuff. With Phil, no meant no and yes meant yes…and we were done.
Phil asked me to go with him and I didn’t. No regrets, but I sure do miss him.
However.
Phil was predictable. Phil didn’t make me read his mind. Phil didn’t rearrange his schedule on a whim at the last minute all day every day. Phil didn’t ask three people to do the same thing. Phil knew how to manage people. Phil used his time wisely. Phil didn’t second-guess himself. Phil didn’t fret. Phil didn’t sweat the small stuff. With Phil, no meant no and yes meant yes…and we were done.
Phil asked me to go with him and I didn’t. No regrets, but I sure do miss him.
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