Subliminal Web Shopping

An earlier post, Happy Belated New Year, about the glorious web site "your baby is an asshole dot com" is now null and void. Said web site now directs you to: buy Xanax. Awwwwwww. Silly web hackers. If you didn't get a chance to see the wonder that was "your baby is..." you missed out. RIP, glorious web site. You are missed.

Dangling the Carrot

I can't let March go by without at least ONE post! Today's rant: paychecks. I work, as I've mentioned before, at a large southeastern university. Today is Thursday, March 25th. Salaried employees such as I get paid at midnight of the last work day of the month (in arrears). We routinely receive e-mails to tell us when our paychecks will be viewable online...a week ahead of time. So, though I won't actually GET the money for seven days, I can LOOK AT the money. It's like window-shopping and it gets me down every single time. I don't live hand-to-mouth and I don't need that paycheck any sooner than it's going to get to me...but still. Why you gotta dangle it in front of my face, you know?

Rejection Never Felt So Good

Times in life when one can be rejected:

• Receiving an F on a test or in a class entirely
• Being in the lane that just closed (bank, grocery store, toll plaza, etc.)
• Being fired
• Breaking up

So...internet dating. Another fun place to be rejected. I e-mailed someone interesting yesterday, and this morning I received this. You know, if everyone could take the time to (a) acknowledge and respond, and (b) use candor, this world might be a better place:

"I hope you are having a great week. Thank you for the email and interest in my profile, I'm very flattered. I feel like we have common interests, but I wanted to take a moment to let you know that I have met someone on match that I think may turn into a relationship and I'm the kind of guy that doesn't like to juggle women, I don't believe it is fair to anyone. With that being said I hope you understand if I don't continue to get to know you better until I'm certain of where this may lead. Maybe if things don't work out you will consider giving me another chance at getting to know you. I wish you the best of luck finding a match."

Fantastic. So much better than silence. (I kind of want to copy it to use in replying to people, myself!!)

Buncha Wusses

Please refer to my post of December 3, 2009 (Man Overboard) for a bit of background. I took the ball and ran with it. I met with both the Human Resources Manager as well as her boss, the Associate VP. I told them the basic situation: EVERYONE who comes to my desk scrunches up their face and goes, What The Hell IS That Smell??? I have headaches, and the situation needs to be addressed.
Both HR folks are hemming and hawing as I talk to them about how tricky the situation is, and how we can't force people not to smoke. Oh, really? Can we not force people to lighten up on the cologne? Can we not look them in the eye and tell them there is a legitimate concern regarding their health (the smoking) and the health of others (the slathering of cologne to cover up the smoking)? No, these HR people apparently can't. Because they're wusses.
I've been in the business world since I was 16...I worked corporate in the 80s and 90s. I get how HR should work, and I get what HR's job is. HR's job is, among other things: to address valid employee concerns. The health and welfare of an employee is a valid concern. So, I even help them out! I bring with me to these meetings a print-out of the University No Smoking Policy 4.69. It's a great read. The item that I high-lighted and suggested HR could use to begin the conversation: "Smoking is prohibited within 25 feet of all entrances to all [University] buildings."
I pointed out that this guy is in violation of that policy all day, every day. We are the healthcare unit of this University. The guy stands either directly in front of the doors to the building OR - and this one is classic - directly underneath the sign about 10' down the building that says "Making People Healthy."
I'm not in HR, but if I were, that would be the starting point of my conversation. Scenario:
Hey, fella...you've got to step awaaaaaay from the building (hand him University policy...because that doesn't make ME look like the bad guy, I'm just sharing Policy. Oh, and have you heard about how bad smoking is for you? Yeah, it is. Furthermore, we here are concerned about your health. Did you know that this University offers FREE smoking cessation programs here on campus? Yes, really. Lots of them. Through the Counseling Center, through the Faculty/Staff Assistance Program, through our Cancer Institute. It's true. We suggest that you at least look that the information I've printed for you (handing him a pile of brochures and web site info). I've heard you cough at least twice while I've been talking, and in my non-medical opinion, your lungs don't sound so great. Oh, and one more thing: you've been in my office, what, 5 minutes now? I am telling you that I can smell your cologne and it's a bit overpowering. Do you, by chance, use cologne after you come back inside so that your colleagues don't smell your cigarette smoke? (He will answer yes, because he's a nice guy and I can tell has a healthy fear of authority) I must ask you to not re-apply cologne after you leave your house in the morning. I can suggest chewing gum, Binaca, Altoids...something like that instead, OK? So. Here's a letter (handing him letter) re-capping everything I've just explained to you, and I'm going to need you to sign it saying you understand the University Policy and that you will strive to improve your health habits. Good day, sir.
How hard is that? Apparently really, really hard. Completely expected, HR totally took the coward's way out. Smoky McSmokes-A-Lot (smelling like he always does) comes up to my desk this morning looking super-sad and says, "I am told I have new office in Clinic. I must move by end of day."
So, there you have it. A FINE way to solve the problem. I'm 99.9% sure that's all he was told, "We're relocating you." No reason given. Wonder how many more complaints will arise - and trust me, unless they're relocating him to a cave all by himself, there will be - before someone actually does sit him down and tell him the truth. Buncha wusses. Sure, I got what I wanted and my cube area will be a nicer place to visit, Renuzit-free, by next week. Badly handled, though. I'm very disappointed.

Happy Belated New Year

Since I can't seem to get around and be clever enough to post something from my own brain, please enjoy: http://www.yourbabyisanasshole.com/

I was on an airplane today from Atlanta to San Francisco with a screaming baby. Nearly five hours of screaming baby. ...and was he perfectly screamed-out and adorable at baggage claim?? Oh, yes, he was. His poor mom looked like hell.

Online Dating

A tip from me to you: the following words and phrases should NOT be used when online dating. These are above and beyond spelling errors and shirtless guys in their alleged photos (most of whom should have kept their shirts on). These words and phrases have been offered to me - and the world at-large - on a lovely silver platter and they immediately make me think, “No thanks.”

Alpha Male
Fetish
Prideful
“my grandchildren” (I’m not yet 40, is what I’m getting at)
“spend lots of time playing video games”
Lover (I just hate that word)
“can drink 1 ½ times my weight” (I hope that was a joke)
“Many women find me attractive.” (Oh, REALLY??)
“a member of the KISS Army”
Yankees fan (move along, pal)
“My cat thinks I’m purrrfect.” (and I think you’re gay)
No Baggage (yeah, buddy…me either)
No Drama (ditto)
Experienced (what the hell does THAT mean?) (Ohhhhh. Yeah, probably)

Man Overboard

Our offices were renovated, and we were displaced for some months last year (like a little asbestos is gonna kill ya...) and have been back here since mid-April. I moved right back to where I was before, in a little cluster of three cubicles. My other two cube-mates moved down a floor, and I'm rather isolated now. A lot of foot-traffic by my desk, but no one sitting on either side of me. Random work/study students use the desks now and again, but that's it. Lo and behold: a part-time guy shows up yesterday, and he’ll be here a couple of days a week. I'm not entirely sure what his job is - he doesn't work in my division - but he's quite the interesting fellow. I'm going to bet he's in his early 60s. First of all, he sat over there from about 1pm onward until I left...and didn't say a word. The woman who was showing him the ropes got him to talk a little, but not a lot. Primary reason: he doesn't seem to speak a lot of english. Going geographically by accent, I’ll call him Boris. I'm not even going to try to spell the last name. The most interesting part about him: the cologne. Good lord, he smells like...well, like I think those guys from “A Night at the Roxbury” must smell. He smells like a high school kid who just figured out what Axe Body Spray is. Over. The. Top. AND I'm pretty sure he freshened it up a bit some time during the late afternoon. Ewww. This morning: he’s back! As strong as ever.